Men in Tights
When I think of my childhood, it is hard to skip over one of the most constant things for me - wrestling. Logically, my next step was to explore it now that I am older, and see what I think today. Fuck, wrestling was AWESOME. Sure, it sucks now, but who cares? I want to take a look at some of the best of the best from back in the day, and examine what it was that made them so rad.
I am going to start in the 80’s and move through till when wrestling started to suck, thats right, I get to decide when wrestling started to suck, so SUCK IT!
Hulk Hogan
The man who started it all. The Hulkster. What a fucking joke. How did this idiot become the face of the WWF? Look at him. He is 25, bald as shit, and the only thing that sets him apart from your average joe is that facial hair that he ripped off every Hell’s Angel ever. I simply can not believe that people idolized this loser. Michael Bolton is a more suitable role model than Hulk Hogan.
The Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase
Million Dollar Man? This guy is worth a million dollars and he wrestled for an association that payed its “athletes” in food stamps, please. Just because they took Kenny Rogers, died his hair brown, and said he had a million dollars, doesn’t make it true. His fishing move was called the Million Dollar Dream. How extravagant. Apparently, if Ted Dibiase were to have a million dollars, he would use it all on a lame ass sleeperhold. Sweet. Personally, I’d take that million dollars and buy like 400 Pogs, but that is probably just me.
Koko B. Ware
Koko, B. Ware of the ultimate racial stereotype. Look at this outfit. It was like the WWF just said: “Fuck it, he’s black, give him a bird, some bright colors, he DEFINITELY needs some kind of afro, oh and he should play the bass when he walks down to the ring.”
Ultimate Warrior
Juice me up bro’! Nobody, and I mean nobody took more roid’s during the 80’s than the Ultimate Warrior. Remember the training montage in Rocky 4? That wasn’t Drago, that was the Ultimate Warrior. I am pretty sure his finishing move was Roid Rage where he squirted the juice from his bacne into the eyes of his opponents and then snapped their spinal cord in half. YAARRRG!
Mr. Perfect
Wow. If this guy isn’t perfection, I don’t know what is.
Jimmy Hart
Jimmy Hart, I don’t know how he made it into the WWF to begin with, but, if you are looking for someone to direct your next porno - he is your man.
Goldust
Oh. Hello Goldust. Goldust was probably the most hetero sexual character ever invented by the WWF. Look at this guy, he oozes manliness. Goldust was actually originally cast to play Hercules in the TV series, but he bailed out to star as Xena…it’s ok though, Kevin Sorbo is the next best thing.
Ultimo Dragon
Oh yes, super cool. Ultimo Dragon are my favorite WCW wrestler, he so good. When I young boy in Japan he my idol. I are glad he not Japanese stereotype now that he in wrestling. Thumbs up!
Doink and Midgets
YEAH BOY!!! That is what I’m fucking talking about. I just about had enough of all these lame juicers, all I really wanted were midget clowns. Look, I’m a man, about 90% of the thoughts that go through my head are about midgets. The other 10% of my thoughts are dedicated to what it would feel like to ride a tiger cross country.
Glacier
Ooooh, Glacier - you are melting my heart. WCW decided that their best bet was to raid the wardrobe from the set of Ninja Turtles and steal Shredders outfit, and who can blame them. Glacier is stone cold in this getup. Who could possibly penetrate that icy armor? And check out how low his armor hangs below his dick. For his finishing move he actually removed that piece and shoved his erect dick into the opponents face. It was called the Creamcicle.
“The Native American” Tatanka
Right of the reservation baby. WWF thought they were clever by disguising a somewhat tan Caucasian as an Indian, and yep, I bought it. Look at that headdress, fucking elaborate. Only a true Indian could pull that off. The WWF also decided that it was necessary to attach “The Native American” to his name. I know the average WWF viewer is FUCKING STUPID, but come on. That is like attaching: “The Meth Addict” before the name of a WWF fan, it’s just not necessary, it’s already implied.
Raven
I gotta tell ya…I was really excited when WCW let Eddie Vedder into the league.
Scotty Too Hotty and “Too Sexy” Brian Christopher
True. Scotty is TOO hotty. And wow Brian Christopher, you are TOO sexy. Look at these guys. Vince McMahon staked out an LFO video and decided to train the front men to become WWF wrestlers - and boy did it pay off.
Bam Bam Bigelow
Can you believe it? Can you FUCKING believe it? This guy…prepare yourself…this guy is from Asbury Park, New Jersey! Frankly, I am horrified. It can’t be the same New Jersey that I know of. New Jersey has consistently produced the classiest, smartest, and sexiest people the world has ever seen. How did this guy slip through the cracks?!
That is all for me. I hope you enjoyed this look at some of the most ridiculous characters in the history of the world.
