The Best, Best, Best

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My Left Hand Talks To My Balls

Left Hand: Here we go again.

Right Ball: Wait, what is he doing up there? Oh no…come on, he already did this like 2 hours ago.

Left Hand: Oh, he’s going back at it, and of course, I just sit over here, watching the whole thing go down.

Left Ball: Shit, don’t complain, every time he jerks it it looks like the god damn apocalypse from our view.

RB: Yeah, honestly. One moment we are enjoying the sun, then the next thing you know, that thing comes out of nowhere and puts us in the shade. It gets cold, you know?

LH: Have you thought about how lonely it gets for me? He doesn’t even give me a chance. ONE TIME he had a broken right wrist and he tried to use me. So I didn’t do that well, and maybe his junk has a weird right turn in it now, but I need practice dammit! He went and did the only smart thing I’ve ever seen him do. He made some molding cushion for his cast, and kept using that playboy Righty.

RB: True, that is kind of shitty. Man, he is really going at it right now, putting us in the blender down here. Makes me think of that fateful night a few years back. What kind of girl doesn’t finish off a blowjob? When we got home, he beat the living shit out of us. Not to mention, we were already frozen blue

LB: All that flopping and flying. I think I got a concussion that night.

LH: A sad day indeed. At least you weren’t there the other night when he got drunk enough to stick ME up that new girls ass. 2 of my fingers were soiled that night, they haven’t said a word since. Righty was just sitting there, laughing from inside that cozy cave he often calls home.

LB: Why do I have to hang so damn low? The more he pulls, the more I keep moving closer to the taint. Swingin’ in the breeze all alone down here.

LH: Great, I’m on the move now. Oh wow, he is changing the the video on the computer now.

***CLICK CLICK CLICK***

LH: 1:20, still undressing, next. 3:48, blowjobs, I know he doesn’t like that. 5:23, ah, dick going in, guess my work is done.

RB: WHOA, we are moving now! You know, when he first starting doing this, we loved it down here. All the movement, the bouncing, everything. But now, we are so sick of it, all of it.

LB: Why doesn’t he get you into the action as well Lefty? Maybe it would feel like an orgy or something.

LH: He tried doubling up once, it didn’t work. The fucked up thing is, sometimes, he uses me as some kind of jizz shield. Just there, hovering over his member, waiting for the big moment. You have no idea what this is like, it is like standing in front of a loaded gun, just waiting, not knowing what might happen, but then, BOOM, ghostly.

RB: Uh oh, I’m starting to choke…it is almost time!

LB: ***COUGH COUGH***  I’m gonna puke!

RB: SHE’S GONNA BLOW!

***SPLACK***

LB: You OK up there Lefty?

LH: Soaked.

RB: Bastard.

LH: Jesus, I’m on the move again. Oh no, not the ass check, not the damn ass check. Why is this always my job!

***SCRAPE***

LH: NO, swamp ass! Oh god. Yup, bring me up to the nose. There ya go, you happy, it smells like shit - what did you expect? I see that little smile, you like it don’t you. You sick jerk, think about me for once. Well, I guess it is off to the sink with me. But really, who knows, even that is 50/50. What are you guys up to later?

RB: Probably just sweating.

LH: Sounds good, I’ll see you later.

***ZIP***

Right Hand: I hate my life.

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Be A Hero

Have you ever wanted to be a hero? Well, if you’re like me and your dreams of being a 28 foot tall autustic savant with eyes that shoot lasers hasn’t come true, you can become a hero by going to the best website around: http://www.bogusmovies.org 

Seriously funny stuff about seriously bogus movies, so go there - NOW!

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Highway to the Dangerzone

Top Gun is easily one of the greatest films ever made, no question. But perhaps my favorite aspect of this movie is how badly the top two teams get along. It is total hatred between Iceman/Slider vs. Maverick/Goose. Yet, amidst this fire, the commander still sends them out on dangerous missions. Well, luckily, I was able to retrieve a transcript from the chatter during one of their missions, and boy is it heated.

Viper: Alright guys, we are getting intel that puts at least 4 Mig bogies approaching our position, fast. Since we aren’t supposed to be in Russian territory, it is best to assume that they will open fire. Iceman, Slider get out there. Maverick, Goose, I want you guys backing them up. Remember, we are a team, act like one.

Iceman: Yes sir, we are on it.

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(David Robinson rookie card.)

Maverick: Got it sir, anything for you.

Iceman: We are picking up speed, reaching maximum acceleration in 5 minutes.

Maverick: Hey, Iceman, remember that time Goose and I pulled a negative G and took a picture of you and Slider sunbathing naked by your pool?

Iceman: No, actually I don’t. Keep your mind on the mission men.

Goose: Yeah, that was a good shot. Oh, nice job in volley ball the other day guys. Maverick is only 5’2 and he still spiked the shit outta you.

Iceman: Listen, the targets are almost on us, can you PLEASE focus?

Slider: Yeah well Goose wears a fucking tank top when he plays volleyball while the rest of us go shirtless, showing the bods. What a fag.

Maverick: Goose goes shirtless because he has a mountain of chest hair, and the rest of us can’t grow any. Besides, you know that call out is off limits.

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(Kenny Loggins is the next to join Scientology.)

Slider: You’re right, sorry.

Iceman: 2 Migs, at our twelve. Firing missiles. Got him! One tango down, Maverick, get the other.

Maverick: I got him, I got him. BOOM, tango down. Fuck, I am good. Scary good. You know something Iceman, when I was fucking Charlie the other night, she told me that I have the biggest dick she has ever seen. Seriously, I pulled out with brain on my cock. You like that?

Iceman: Alright Maverick, fuck this. Since you can’t be professional for one second, let alone in a life threatening mission, the gloves are off. I had Slider jizz inside your shampoo in the locker room the other day, and you know what? I saw a little bit go into your mouth.

Slider: It was the motherload.

Viper: GUYS! Shut the fuck up! More Migs coming in form behind!

Iceman: Alright, focus. I’m gonna pull up and come around behind them in three. One, two -

Maverick: Haha.

Iceman: Maverick, are you bumping the back of my jet right now? Seriously?

Goose: God, I love that prank Maverick, you are the best. Oh shit! They hit our right engine, turn it off! Taking massive fire!

Iceman: Put on your air brake and get back, I got this one.

Maverick: Why don’t you put on YOUR air brake. Besides, I took mine out. I live at one speed - fucking extreme.

Iceman: Jesus Christ. Alright, well I just took one out, that leaves one left, got him Maverick?

Maverick: No problem. BANG BANG BANG! Oh yeah, those machine guns give me a boner, whatta ya say Goose?

Goose: Raging hard on Mav. Dude, look over, I can see Slider giving Iceman a tug job from the backseat!

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(There’s 2 A’s in ‘bad actor’, boys.)

Maverick: Oh wow, great team work guys!

Iceman: Fuck off. Let’s head in. Somehow, we got this mission done, no thanks to you guys.

Maverick: What was that noise in my headset? Iceman, did you just bite your teeth real hard into the microphone?

Iceman: No…

Goose: Ooooh, what’s this button do?

SPLAT

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What Your Favorite 90’s Toys and Fads Say About You Today

Everyone had their favorite toys or fads growing up, it just so happens that if you grew up in the 90’s, you really had the best. I decided to take a look at some of the more popular of these, and what they say about your life today. Enjoy. 

Furby: You are somewhere in L.A. giving tub jobs and blow jobs under a freeway overpass.

Goosebumps: You only bought these for the covers, and you have yet to read any book in it’s entirety. 

Tamagotchi: You seriously love shit, cleaning up shit, and shit of any kind. You are a fecal aficionado. (Wait, Tamagotchi DIDN’T come up on my spell check?)

G.I. Joe: You are currently in Iraq, getting your ass shot up.

Laser Pointers: You are a peeping tom, and you are in jail.

Magic Eye Books: You are only 21, but you have Glaucoma.

Pogs: You have been trapped in your house for years because it is packed to the brim with Pokemon cards, Beanie Babies, Cabbage Patch Kids, Trolls Dolls, and of course - Pogs. You simply can’t resist any bullshit fad.

Slap Bracelets: You cut yourself daily and are probably fat.

Magic The Gathering: Virgin.

Power Rangers: You are in a frat, and are a hyper masculine bro, but you question your sexuality on the hour, every hour.

Talkboy: Your dream was to utilize the Talkboy with the efficiency that Kevin McCallister did in Home Alone. Since this is impossible, you now own a store that only sells glass Turtle Dove’s.

L.A. Lights: Damn, you are seriously probably fly as shit.

Pokemon: You never overcame your intense ADHD and you tour the country doing speed Rubik’s Cube competitions.

Bowlcuts: You have serious problems with premature ejaculation.

Rat-tails: You have serious problems reading at a third grade level.

Ninja Turtles: You love to party and you have sex with hot chicks five times a day. If Turtles were your favorite, you lived the 90’s right.

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Cowabunga!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Truly the greatest enterprise to hit America since Ford or the musical institution that is Kenny Loggins. The Ninja Turtles were able to turn a simple, average cartoon into one of the greatest fads ever marketed to the youth…and I bought it. I was absolutely crazed over Ninja Turtles, especially the toys. These toys were unreal. No, not unreal, fucking EPIC. They aren’t lame Dragonball Z or Pokemon toys, they are in their own stratosphere…they belong with the likes of Crossfire and Cows of Moo-Mesa. But fuck the chatter, its time to show what it was that made them truly great.

1988 Michaelangelo

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This is a basic turtle, but shit, it’s still better than half the toys the pussy kids play with today. Michelangelo is a walking action movie. He has more plastic weaponry than the set of Small Soldiers. Michelangelo will not only shove his nun chucks up Shredders tight asshole, he will poke your sissy kid’s eyes out. Alright but enough with the soft stuff, time to dig in.


1988 Party Wagon

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Party Wagon? Party Wagon? That is the understatement of the millennium. This wagon got rowdier than the 1988 Motley Crue tour bus. Look at Michelangelo in the side seat, that is more extreme than Travis Pastrana on fire doing a double backflip over Tony Hawk’s house while Megadeth is playing a live show in the backyard. The only reason that Raphael is looking outside the wagon is because he and Splinter just finished running the train on April, and he wants a smoke. Verdit…PARTY FUCKIN’ WAGON!

1989 Retrocatapult

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Retro? It’s a fucking metal catapult launching a garbage can…yeah right.

1989 Flushomatic

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Incredible. I am speechless for the first time in 3 years, ever since Bon Jovi started doing country. How did Michelangelo not die in his teenage years? Nobody…nobody parties as hard as him. Give him a few bong rips, a couple shots of Jack, and he starts downing Leonardo’s pizza filled shit and Raphael’s used condoms from the toilet, pathetic (awesome).

1990 Leonardo’s Sewer Force Sword

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Parents, buy your kids this toy so they can tote around Leonardo’s massive Sewer Cock while they battle imaginary foot soldiers and fuck porn stars. This 90’s brat probably Sewer Fucked his 5th grade science teacher with this serpent. Enjoy this quote from the toy’s description: “This sewer snake sword features a turtle head handle…” I can see the geniuses at the marketing department right now: “Oh yeah, we should probably go ahead and say ‘sewer snake’ and ‘turtle head’ in the same sentence.”

1990 Scumbug
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At least David Lee Roth got his own toy…

1991 Hose Em’ Down Don
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Oh Don, you hose em’ down big boy. Who knew Don was a total fag? I know he is the nerd of the group, but does he have to be gay as well? If anyone finds a more homo-erotic toy than this, please inform me, I will be sure to place it softly on Liberace’s grave.

1991 Raph, The Green Teen Beret

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America baby! FUCK YEAH! If we could send this action figure to Iraq, every Iraqi citizen would be eating McDonald’s and watching WWE by now. Don’t fuck with Raph, otherwise he is gonna shove that American flag down your pisshole and get his bright yellow dog to Cleveland Steamer your Iraqi chest. Here is a nice quote from the description: “Accessories: Whip Cream Pistol, Plunger Gun, Anti-Foot Flag, Biting Bulldog Buddy.” Whip Cream gun? Raph is such a pro that he can take whippits before he ices your ass. The only thing that is missing from this list is a Taiwanese hooker and a kilo of blow, that is what makes you a true soldier.

1992 Don’s Sewer Squirter

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Squirt, Squirt! Forget about 1995’s: ‘Super Shredders Nut Buster’. Don’s Sewer Squirter is the epitome of Don’s intellectual prowess. Your kid can go around shooting out hot, steamy pizza shit at all of his neighborhood rivals. Hell, he can even come into your room at night and give Dad a ‘Hot Karl’ he is likely never to forget. This is the reason that Shredder never defeats the Turtles, he doesn’t have a regular Einstein like Don on his team. The only thing that Beebop and Rocksteady have ever come up with was the fetish sex tape that they made with Krang and Casey Jones.

1992 Powerliftin’ Don

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1992 was truly Don’s year. First, he invents the worlds second ‘shit shooter’ (second only to your own asshole after any meal at Shoney’s, a very powerful canon indeed) but now he is shootin’ roids and shrinking his dick with the best of them. Don, always the most self conscious of the Turtles, has decided to bulk up in order to impress the family. This toy even includes a special ‘roid rage’ button on the back that makes Don go absolutely apeshit for a solid 10 minutes. (Not Included: Barry Bonds’ personal trainer and testicles.)

1993 Farmer Mike

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Yeehaw! Farmer Mike is here to stay. In what world would this be a legitimate idea? Honestly, where was the market for a farming Michelangelo. Christ, when I think of Ninja Turtles, the first thing that comes to my mind is DEFINITLY cow shit and wife beating. The great thing about this toy is what ISN’T pictured. Farmer Mike comes ready to live the farmer lifestyle with: Grand Wizard Klan Mask, Lynching Rope, 5th Grade Education, Tin of Skoal Chewing Tobacco, but most importantly, fully functional Meth Lab. If that isn’t value, I don’t know what is.

1993 Road Leo

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What? If someone can tell me what this is, I would appreciate it. The description reads: “There’s a new kind of mutation in town. A totally different kind of mutation. We’re talking Turtles that mutate into vehicles! They just tuck in their Turtle-parts, flip out a fender and off they go.” In other words, please excuse Leo while he tucks in his massive dong and turns into the biggest Transformers ripoff of all time. Why would I ever want to play with this minimum wage, blue-collar construction worker Leo, and his sissy fire truck? I am pretty sure that I am more interested in a Beetleborgs feature film at this point.

1994 Raph’s Feudal Castle PlaysetFree Image Hosting

My lady! I beggest thou to purchase Raphael’s extravagant Feudal Playset. I plan to woo you with my brazen sword and claim the kingdom of the Technodrome for us to rule in harmony! Fuck off.

1994 Cyber Shredder

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Fuck Al Gore. Everyone knows that it was the high tech ‘Cyber Shredder’ who invented the internet…well, he at least came up with Tub Girl and ‘3blackcocks1April.com’.

Ok folks, after 1994 is when I stopped playing with these toys, which transitively means that they started to suck. I may have been harsh on these toys, but it was strictly out of love, I spent a solid 98% of my childhood playing with them.

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Seriously, the only video that the internet needs

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Steele Trap

Hey folks. So the other day I was looking at IMDB, and it came to me, what is Lex Steele’s resume like? If you don’t know who Lex Steele is, you are a faggot. He is the only male pornstar that other dudes are allowed to appreciate, because, well, he is the man of steel. And as his website puts it, he is simply: ‘11 Inches of Pure Punishment’. Anyway, I stumbled on his monster resume (http://imdb.com/name/nm0824615/) and I LOVED it. He has been in over 500 movies which proves that his cock actually is indestructible. What is more impressive is that they found more chicks after every movie because there is NO DOUBT that Mr. Steele sent each woman he had a scene with into a coma afterwards.
On this note, I got to thinking. What would my dream porn name be? Along with that, which film would be my opus, and which move would bust ovary’s nationwide? I couldn’t think of just one, so here are some of my ideas. Enjoy.

Name: Dicktective Max Fear

Bio: Max Fear is the cities top cock. He lays down the law the only way he knows how, hard core anal. You won’t have to wait until you get to the pen to get your salad tossed, Max Fear will do it in the back of the squad car.

Best Film: Obey the Law, or Obey his Cock 4

Signature Move: The Cavity Search

Name: Philip K. Bendherover

Bio: The Law Offices of Bendherover and Stein are now open. Philip will fill a case the moment it is opened. He has successfully sued over 400 times, and been sued only once himself. What for? Reckless penile endangerment and possession of a venomous snake. This case was dismissed on the grounds of being blessed by nature.

Best Film: Cockrane and Me: The Philip K. Bendherover story

Signature Move: The Hung Jury

Name: Charlton Hezton

Bio: Half man, half ape, all dick. Charlton Hezton doesn’t speak much English, but his junk does. Women get lost in his chest hair that doubles as a reservoir for misfired splooge. He may not speak much english, but he knows the only phrase that matters: ‘Prepare for entry!’.

Best Film: Triple Vag, Triple Ass, Singular Pleasure 18

Signature Move: Erectile Evolution

Name: The Hamburgular

Bio: Porn’s fattest star, also has porn’s best stroke. The Hamburgular is no joke in the sack, but watch out, always be on top with the Hamburgular or you could be lost forever. In a haze of fat and sensuality, Hamburglar doesn’t climax, he goes into cardiac arrest.

Best Film: The Fat and the Furious 7: Fill Er’ With Gravy

Signature Move: Just find his dick first 

Name: Steve Normaldick

Bio: The only guy to get into porno based on his acting skills, but there was one problem, he has a normal dick. Instead of packing a lead pipe in his pants, he keeps it real, he keeps it - AVERAGE. He cums early, but he ALWAYS cums. His money shot is so potent that he doubled as a special effects contributer on the movie Flubber.

Best Film: Uncircumcised 3: Find the Lint

Signature Move: Socks On-Pink Sock

Name: Tyranasarous Sex

Bio: This is my brain-child, my true dream, a porno with a dinosaur. Don’t be bashful, don’t be ashamed, we have ALL dreamed of this. I am talking about a full on T-Rex slamming chicks relentlessly, or until he wants to go eat something. It is as simple as that.

Best Film: The Land Before Condoms 8: Make Babies and Run

Signature Move: Uh? Being a T-Rex and having sex with a chick, I think.
Those are just a few of the ideas I have had along the way about which porn name I would adopt. I hope you liked them, and if you can think of anything else, post a comment.

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Hamilton!

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if you can’t blog with the big dogs, blog somewhere else

My god. My fucking god. The other day I was blessed enough to be reminded of one of the trashiest, and most amazing fads of all time - Big Dog clothing. You remember this, don’t lie. Hell, maybe you even had one. I am talking about those god damn dirty shirts with the dog saying or doing something completely demeaning. I mean, we took this shit time and time again from this dog, and I am sick of it. Time to strike back. Needless to say, I am going to check out some of the cream of the crop Big Dog shirts because, yes, they do still exist…somewhere in the deepest layers of hell.

Really? That is so interesting, because I live on Incest Alley at the corner of Meth Street. This is so standard Big Dog. Why does this redneck canine have such a fucking attitude? Just because he wears shades, does that really make him tough? Actually, yes, yes it does. This fucking dog is wearing shades, I’m definitely going to stay clear…you probably should as well.

No?

It isn’t Big Dog if there isn’t some kind of shitty sexual reference somewhere in their wardrobe. First of all, this is a fucking dissertation on a t-shirt. I have to stare at this fucker for 30 seconds before I can take the whole thing in, and at the end…I get this shitty punchline. Besides, sex and air are not in the least bit equatable. I usually tie a belt around my neck when I have sex..

This is one of the most trustworthy banks in the entire nation, mark my words. Not only is it run by a BIG DOG, but it is also the choice of a dad who actually wears Big Dog clothing. How much do your kids fucking hate you when they buy you this shirt? And look at the Big Dog in this picture, he is entirely spent. It looks like he took all of the money from his bank and went on a coke romp while slamming his favorite poodle bitch all night. No thanks, I’ll stick with a monkey when I choose my animal bank.


Ahh, here we go. THIS is Big Dog. 90% of the shirts I looked at were of this variety. If you can’t do this sporting event, then stay on the sideline with the nerds. I actually saw one that even I felt was too inappropriate and over the top for this blog. It was a Big Dog riding a dragon and it said: “If you can’t tame the dragon with the Big Dogs, suck a dick with the other faggots.” I really thought that was way over the top, and just distasteful, even from the Big Dog.

I will not gamble with a dog that has that kind of ‘tude. Nevermind the fact that this is actually a dog playing poker, but he comes to the table with that kind of shit? Unacceptable. This dog needs to chill out and realize that he is a DOG playing POKER, isn’t that enough for him, because if not, he should go back to licking my sphincter when I lather it up with peanut butter, because he sure is good at that.

Classy. You see what Big Dog did here? They took Girls Gone Wild and turned it into Grills Gone Wild. But seriously, I actually can’t hate on this shirt at all. I love meat, I really love titties, and if a dog were smart enough to cook for me I would never complain. So, good job Big Dog, good job.

Don’t be a hero Big Dog. This is just so stupid on so many levels. First of all, that is easily the most uncomfortable hammock of all time, I mean, look at it. Secondly, at the bottom they make sure to let us know that ‘This is a parody’. Jesus, thank god. I was so fucking confused at first. I totally thought Nike was promoting laziness and betraying their logo by letting Beethoven lounge out on it. I guess I’m not as smart as the general Big Dog audience though, but who the fuck is.

There isn’t even a dog on this shirt because even the Big Dog can come up with something better than this. If the Big Dog is too embarassed to put his face on his merchandise, you know that it is purely filth. But really, why would someone wear this shirt. How does one go about interpreting it? Is the wearer of the shirt attacking every single person who reads it? Why get this personal, you don’t even know me BRO. If you wear this shirt around, you truly hate not only everyone in the world, ever, but you also hate the shit outta yourself.
Well, that is all of the Big Dog I can handle for one day. Maybe someday, years upon years down the road, I will muster the courage to write about Big Dog again.

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kids are pussies these days


So this is random, but I don’t care, it’s my fucking blog. Today I was talking with a friend of mine about how kids these days are simply gay. I can not remember a single kid growing up who was allergic to peanuts, or the sun, or grass, or bread, or bee stings. Shit, I loved getting stung by bee’s - aside from getting a tattoo of a lion on your chest, it is the next manliest thing in the world. Therefore, I decided that when my kid pops out, I am gonna smear peanut butter all over him and sting him with a bee so he doesn’t turn out a pussy…duh

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Re-Rack!



Beer Pong. A classic game that unites people from all across the country. Through my countless hours of research, I have been able to examine many of the different types of people that enjoy this fine game, and what it is that makes them so very special. Here goes.

BEIRUT!

"Hey bro! It fucking isn’t beer pong! Only pussies call it beer pong. Where I’m from we call it BEIRUT! Yeah, fucking HIGH FIVE!" Fuck this guy, he just needs to realize that NO ONE cares what the game is called, all we care about is getting drunk. Period.

The Pro

Uh oh, the pro has entered the building. You know this guy. He comes ready to play. First on the table, last off. He usually plays with a teammate who is pretty good, but can not possibly be as good as him, I mean, come on. He gets up by a few cups, and the gloves come off. He is a master of the trash talk, he can use the word “fag” like no other, and NOBODY has the array of high five combinations that this guy has when he and his partner score.

'Can You Kiss Those?'

What a dick. This is the guy that has to have every cup touching at all times. He will straight up go Bob Villa on your ass and measure the distance between the cups. He wont stand for cups that aren’t kissing, it just isn’t in his playbook. This guy will not sleep until the cups are closer than conjoined twins in a New York Subway.

Ray Charles

This guy also sucks. He is the opposite of the kisser. He is the Stevie Wonder of beer pong. The cups are spread out like a fucking 10.0 on the Richter Scale and he DOESN’T NOTICE. Sometimes it is indifference, but usually, it’s stupidity. The Ray Charles is the Kryptonite to the Kisser, it has always been an epic battle.

"Is There Beer in that Cup?"

Is there a dick in your pants? Grow the fuck up. This is the douche bag who has to check your cup every time one of his shots rims out. He walks over, peeks into the cup and deems it playable, but clearly, he isn’t really satisfied. ‘OK, but that is kinda bullshit, there is like a teaspoon in that cup.’ God forbid one of his shots rims out. They act like they are Michael Jordan missing a dunk over Stephen Hawkins on a Play Skool hoop, it just isn’t that big of a deal.

Bounce Master

ADD. This is the Ritalin kid. Can’t stop - won’t stop bouncing. He lives his life bouncing off the walls day in and day out, and his beer pong style wont be any different. He might make one bounce a game, but he doesn’t really care. Oh shit…look at that, Top Gun just came on TV - see ya.

Shitty Shit Talker

'Oh remember that time I fucked your mom! It was so cool.' *Sink* *Sink*. These guys are as witty as it gets. There are 3 moves in their repertoire: making faces (very mature), screaming (OH, you got me!), mom jokes (class act - such a class act). Let me tell ya, these moves work! Oh dude, sorry I airballed that shot, that guy just made such a scary face! Bullshit. Stick with my technique, I just call out the names of a random American Gladiator and bust a load in the direction of the shooter - trust me, it works. LASER! *Squirt*

Rule Breaker

Pray that there is no confusion in any game, because if there is a rule breaker at the table, he WILL cheat. You just make the game winning shot? ‘No, no dude. You don’t know that rule? The final shot has to be done with Kenny Loggins and ALF as your guest shooters. God, I thought everybody knew that rule. Rookies.’

Naked Lap Enthusiasts

Fags. These are the guys that insist on taking a naked lap when they get shut out. Even if the house rules demand something different, they want the naked lap. Listen boys, the naked lap was put in place to see women naked, not to see your needle dick run around the table. I think when dudes get shut out - two women from the party should be chosen to give the winners blowjobs - seems logical to me.

Ritual Dick

This is the guy who insists on doing his gay pre-shot routine before EVERY shot. Hey, remember that time it was funny to cross yourself before a shot? Me neither. Oh, hey, hey, remember how cool it was when I blew on the ball, rubbed it on my nipples, and THEN SHOT?! That shit sucked. The only pre-shot ritual I have ever accepted, and will ever accept is if the person reads an ENTIRE Goosebumps novel and then shoots. Say Cheese and Die bitch.

Let’s Play Something Different. This Table Sucks.

This guy clearly sucks at beer pong and only calls for another game because he can’t deal with it. Nobody cares if you suck dude, just play the game and stop whining about it. I know, I KNOW you are better at your table. One time, I saw this guy make a game winning shot, eyes closed, left handed, from the back of the room, bounce, through the Temple of Doom, across the Eliminator, beyond Thunderdome, and under Waterworld…but that was on his table, this table sucks. Let’s play something different.

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